We came across an amusing blog post explaining “Santa Claus Is NOT a Teamster.” It seems that after weighing all possible evidence, and claims to the contrary, Santa would not side with the union of Jimmy Hoffa. In short, the blog Bob McCarty Writes says:
Cast aside any of the explanations above and one indisputable fact remains as to why Santa Claus would never join the Teamsters: He’s management!
That’s good for a laugh. But after investigation it turns out this is not all fun and games. Upon picking up a few new holiday CDs this year, we came across a troubling tune from the Barenaked Ladies, who have penned an Elf’s Lament about their working conditions. My goodness, it’s practically Billy Bragg rocking out for Elves rights! First, it seems troublemakers are complaining about Santa’s payscale:
Toiling through the ages, making toys on garnished wages
There’s no union
We’re only through when we outdo the competition
Of course, the Elves Collective will no doubt blame “the Chinese” for driving down wages. But the underlying problem centers around Santa’s Helpers feeling under-appreciated, and their rhetoric is ratcheting up quickly:
We know that we’ve got leverage, so we’ll hand the fat man a beverage
And sit back while we attack the utter lack of our enjoyment
But it’s not just about sticking it “the Fat Man” as the North Pole rabble rouser so rudely calls him. There is a threat to Christmas here, and it’s none too subtle:
It may be tough to swallow, but our threats are far from hollow
He may thunder, but if he blunders, he may wonder where the toys went
It’s pretty obvious the union is softening up Santa with an aggressive PR slime campaign. It will follow up shortly with a half-pinted salt who will make outsized demands, and then there will be union authorization cards and promises of “Double Egg Nog” and seniority schedules and … well, you get the idea. If union bosses can wreck Santa’s workshop, it will be a Yuletide eulogy for Christmas.